School Gate Fashion Police

I arrived at the school gates 20 minutes early, a complete failure in my afternoon plan. It was intensely cold, like eat at your skin cold. I was, luckily, wearing my dog walking coat which had in the pocket my dog walking hat (safe for the woods only!).

What the hell! It's too cold to care, on went the hat. As more parents started to arrive I know I looked a complete freak but I was warm. And then my saving grace arrived....

...she was orange, I mean spray tan gone bad orange AND wearing purple tights AND wearing denim hot pants, 6 inch heels and a blouson jacket. And bless her, she stood next to me....

...well, freaks of a feather flock together!!!

Daughter wandered out of school and looked at me "MUUUUUUUUUUUM, you're so embarrassing"

"yes, but look at that" I whispered

She put head in her hands, shook it sadly and sloped off in despair!!!!

Note to Self : must get some normal mummy school gate attire and not stand in the freak show corner!!!!!!!!!

Which is a lovely excuse to bring out my favourite freaky photo!!

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Marriage Deception

An Arabic country's ambassador to Dubai has had his marriage contract annulled after discovering the bride was cross-eyed and had facial hair.

Hmmmm....I wonder if this would work the other way around....imagine (dream sequence music commences):

Bride has had her marriage contract annulled after discovering the groom was a lazy, do nothing that refused to help out at home. The decision by the court was sealed after the groom's 'vital' statistics were declared as considerably below the average 7 inches.....

Nope, guess not....

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The Man with the Bag

The photo meme I recently gate crashed, set me thinking about photos with the most significance to me - iconic photos.

It might be Vietnam Napalm Phan Thị Kim Phúc,

Or

The Vulture on the Sudan

Both of these photos speak volumes to me, my emotions become so strong it hurts to look at them, they leave me in tears.

But the picture that comes to me over and over is Tiananmen Square:

Who was this man? What was in the bag? What was his story that day? Where did this incredible amount of bravery and resolve come from? Is he still alive? And what happened to the tank driver who disobeyed his orders and did not drive over him?

All of these questions spin around, but for me this is the greatest picture of hope and it inspires me to stand up for what I believe to be right and true...

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The Dog took the Biscuit

I don't go in our living room very often, it is home of the largest tv and as a result "He who must be obeyed" domain. HWMBO has been in Sweden for 4 days this week and on day 4, daughter went into the living room and announced "it smells funny"

It was beyond funny it was gas and lots of it.

Being as I was working from home I did the obvious thing and group mailed my whole IT Support team with "I can smell gas bad, what do I do?".

Those guys are great, not one of them asked me if I'd rebooted the fire, I got 10 replies within seconds and all mainly on the theme "don't touch any electrics, open the doors and windows, turn the gas off and ring 0800111999". So I did!

So the man in an off shore call centre tried to give me instructions that I couldn't understand like:

"hillo madman, have you now ipiened the draws, pleasez go out now and trawn uff ze ges"

"WHAT?!"

This conversation was struggling in the extreme when I opened the curtains in the living room to be confronted by a snarling, barking dog!

"hillo madman, have you now ipiened the draws"

"no, there's a dog.....not my dog......a dog and it's at the draws..er doors"

So now I'm yelling "go away, shoo, go"; finally, a big fat "FUCK OFF DOG" sent it whimpering home.

"hillo....er sorry hello, hmm sorry about the language....yes the doors are now open"

Geee Whizz - why can't a crisis be just a straight forward crisis - who had to throw a stray dog into the mix!!

Anyway, if you're interested National Grid turned up within 30 mins and stopped my leak which was rather a bad one and they even relit the boiler for me - so toastie warm I sit, whilst still pondering where the heck that dog came from!

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Lost in Friiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiidge

"Where's the butter?"

"In the fridge, dear"

"There isn't any"

"It's on the 3rd shelf down, to the left"

"There isn't any cheese"

"It's on the 3rd shelf down, in the middle"

"Do we have any of that other stuff left over"

"3rd shelf down, on the right"

I am convinced this is the only type of fridge my man wouldn't get lost in!

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This, my dear, is what you call an Adventure!

I love the Richard Templar books.

My favourite is rules of life.

Rule 50 - "If you can't say anything nice don't say it at all" recounts a story:

"I remember reading once of someone who was on the Metro in Paris during a major strike. It was chaos and people were shoving and pushing and it was pretty horrendous. There was a woman with a small child there and it could have been quite scary. She bent down to the child and said quite brightly "This, my dear, is what they call an adventure". "

I just love this. What a fantastic way to look at life.

When my daughter looks frightened or nervous I will ask her if she has butterflies and then say "that's good, that adrenaline will help you to do it well". I'm not sure it always works, she seems to have a 'sensitive' streak much like her mum, but I love the thought that something difficult is a challenge to face. That sense of breathing in deep, the few seconds of "I can do this" and then doing it are second to none for me.

I would have loved to have met that lady on the Metro.

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Strange Sights

We went to London today and it reminded me of a visit a few years ago. She is a country girl and was little in awe of big cities when younger. Just prior to her second trip to London we said to her "now remember not to be skipping too far ahead of us, and be prepared for some strange sights, there's things happen in the city you wouldn't get at home"

We had a lovely day sight seeing, we were walking down Bird Cage Hill towards Buckingham Palace when a man cycled passed us wearing absolutely nothing but a smile, we waved at him heartily, he waved back. About 20 yards behind him was a police van with about 6 policemen also laughing at him (presumably they would stop him before he sailed past the Queens window!)

"is that what you meant mum about strange sights?"

Not sure even I was expecting that one!!

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ATM Disabled

I particularly enjoyed this today Tesco Car Parks to Offer Lazy Bastard Parking Bays

I did once shout after a man who had parked his sports car in an ASDA mother and baby parking bay.

Me, in a very helpful, happy and cheerful voice: "excuse me, excuse me"

he turned round and looked nicely at me

me, still in a very happy tone: "You forgot your baby"

He looked furious!!!! I rather enjoyed it

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SatNavItus

Maybe my memory isn't what it used to be but I recall being very happy when we got a SatNav. It meant the end of tense car moments where I appeared to have the map upside down trying to explain where to go whilst telling hubby to "keep his eyes on the road if he expected me to read a map" and "anyway why the hell hadn't you planned the route before we left" - ah yes, they were the good old days it seems!

Whilst motoring in France we were permanently led by my archenemy TomTomMan who was often backed up by BBCEnglishAudiNavWomen (and often they were both on at the same time).

Now don't get me wrong, I know that they can take you on an easy route almost all the way to where we needed to go but when it gets to the finer details why does hubby choose TomTomMan over me?!

"The sign says turn left for the beach honey"
"why did you go straight on?"
"yes I know the TomTom is often right but why would the council put up an enormous sign saying THE BEACH if it wasn't that way?"
"oh dead end, looks like you need to turn around, shall we go the way the sign says?"
"yes I know the TomTom has reprogrammed itself quickly but the sign says..."
"ahh you want to try this way...shall we...ahhhhh another dead end...could we try the way the sign says....FINE...OK....I will be quiet....FINE.....do it your way"
"ahhhh that's the way the sign said....yes I know I said I'd be quiet but you're already in a bad mood so I may as well voice the glory!"

What happened to sign reading and a bit of common sense.......I sense a secret night trip to the cupboard with my reprogramming screwdriver and see how loudly TomTomMan shouts then - I yearn for the good old "read the bloody map yourself then" days!!!!

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Filling Buckets

I love the book "How Full is your Bucket"

http://www.amazon.co.uk/How-Full-Your-Bucket-Strategies/dp/1595620036

It's main thread is happiness feeds happiness and it is a good feeling to be nice to people. Simple, but how often we forget it.

This quote was sent to me recently:

Unhappiness is a symptom of a healthy brain:

A lot of people worry about being unhappy or depressed. They should not worry. Happiness is a symptom of the detachment of the brain from reality. Anyone who is aware of what is going on in the world should be very unhappy. The more aware you are, the more unhappy you become. When I see a happy person, I see a person who is oblivious to the world. So the people who are unhappy should not think that there is something wrong with them. Unhappiness is a symptom of a fully functioning brain. You should be happy that you are unhappy. It is the role of the unhappy people to keep a watchful eye on the world for the benefit of the happy people who don't understand what's happening. The unhappy people are like the meerkats who stand up and keep watch so that the rest of the tribe can forage in peace.

Alan Kennington:Australian physicist, mathematician, computer software writer and sometime philosopher

I don't agree, I think we are all unhappy sometimes but it takes a strong person with a high cognitive intelligence to look around and see the fun, the good and the absolute wonder of the world.

I put him into the 'grumpy old man' bucket and will go back to Filling Buckets.

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Window Licking

Window licking started as a simple thing, my husband was coming up to the front door and I pushed my nose on the glass to make a funny face. It made me laugh, it seemed harmless so I sort out new ways to annoy him.

He was wiping the windows outside, I push face up to the window inside ... "ha ha" he says sarcastically but I know he is faking and it amuses him as much as it does me.

Garage filling station : he is stood putting petrol in the car. Both H and I push our faces on window and start to lick it (yes I know it is foul!) but the point is he is the only person that can see us and nobody else knows why he is stood laughing his head off at the pump.

So jump ahead a few months and the thrill seeking needs to expand! Back at the petrol station : hubby is in long queue to pay, our window screen faces the whole queue...yep...H & I manoeuvre cleverly up to dashboard and push faces hard against window screen and lick! Hubby is dying on spot but the big question is will he actually return to the car or pretend it isn't his?!!!

Yes he came back - he managed to keep a straight face the whole time and very dryly said "you'll be cleaning that then!"

Roseanne & Dan Barr would have been proud!

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