The story of the knife edge

I would like to tell you a sorry tale of a hungry, lazy person and a knife or two.

I really fancied a sausage and HWMBO was out of the country so I didn't want to defrost a whole pack.  I decided to break the sausages apart by jamming a knife between them and wiggling.  The sausages dutifully split.  The knife end disappeared.  I looked a bit but couldn't see it. My general thought was 'whateveeeeer' but decided to defrost the sausage in the microwave as metal would spark and then I'd know it was ok.

Defrosted, no sparks, cooked in oven and delicious. End of tale we would hope. 

But as the evening progressed so did a stomach pain, I took anacid and pushed the blindingly obvious thought out of my mind and anyway I'd have cut my mouth chewing wouldn't I?   I did eventually fall asleep but woke about 4am in agony.

I read the internet....OMFG...swallowing tips of knives isn't that uncommon and is really dangerous as it passes through your bowel, pierces it and you get an internal infection.  I pondered death for a while and got up.

I decided before taking myself to A&E that I would try to do the whole break knife and microwave thing again just to check that I was worrying for no reason.

I jammed a similar knife into the frozen sausages and it dutifully snapped again much the same way.  I looked at the sausage saw the metal bit in it, put it in the microwave and no sparks.....NO SPARKS.

I mentally picked my coffin and took the semi defrosted sausage out of the microwave and pulled the metal tip out of it and stared woefully at it....

Hang on, what's that?  The tip of the first broken knife.   Yes!  Right at the very beginning I'd tried to split off 2 sausages and failed so just split off the end one but the knife must have broken on the first stabbing.  It had been left embedded in the sausage on the end of the frozen pack and put back in the freezer.


So not inside me just sat waiting to kill the next sausage eater!  I threw away the block of sausages in celebration and glugged on a bottle of gaviscon, safe in the knowledge I had absolutely no idea why my stomach hurt so much but I really couldn't care less right now.

So the moral of the story is don't break up frozen blocks of meat with knives and even if you are that stupid, don't eat it before you have all the pieces of your shattered knife accounted for!

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I'm a bit thick really

"I'm a bit thick really"

That was one of my my parting comments to a friend I had lunch with.  And the sad fact is that it so oftens seems to be the case.  My brain just doesn't seem to move at the pace of others. It needs time to process.  It often presents a word to me but doesn't allow it to move to my mouth so I have to decide whether to look a total fool by stumbling and searching for the right word or look a total fool by using the wrong word.  Usual lose:lose situation I seem to cart around.

On this occasion there had been a splitting of the bill, an exchange of money and change headed towards my purse and I couldn't fathom out whether friend was being nice and paying more than she ought to be or not.  I gave up trying and turned my brain off.

Maybe that is my problem, maybe I am lazy.  But maybe I am kidding myself there!

My english is fine (mostly) *points to blog*  

My DBA skills are seeing me through a career fine.

My maths will see me through simultaneous equations fine.

My logical problem solving is okey dokey - I love a logic problem or a suduko.

But ask me to work out money change under pressure and all I get from my brain is "BUFFERING".  Thank you to mumsgonto's son for giving me that wonderful description of how my brain works.

I don't think this is an age or medication thing, I've always been the same.  I need time to think about stuff, I need quiet time, I need to take my time.  Which begs the question: why do I spend so much time bouncing around, talking and my with my thoughts running ten to the dozen?

"Go placidly amid the noise and haste, and remember what peace there may be in silence."

"Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself.
You are a child of the universe no less than the trees and the stars;
you have a right to be here. And whether or not it is clear to you,
no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should."

So maybe I shouldn't be saying "I'm a bit thick really."  I have my skills and I have my place in life, it's just not dealing with mental maths.  I also need to learn not to feel intimidated by others that can do what I can't.  Do we all assume that everyone already knows everything we know and then some more on top?  This assumption holds me back from being happy being me.

It's a funny old world but just occasionally I get the feeling that whilst I'm not the brightest button in the tin there are some others that could benefit from a good dollop of brasso.

 

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Things I learnt this week

I keep finding these in my kitchen.  Rather than just yell at COG to clean up after herself, I decided to ask for the 'story behind them'.  It actually turned out to be quite reasonable.

My cat flap has a battery in it!  Who knew?!  Well the patient and charming man at PetMate customer services did.  He politely listened to my drivel about having to tape down the 'little red bit' and strays coming in before he really, really carefully explained to me how to change the battery.

No, seriously, is that obvious?!

I must have that known once.  My memory does worry me.




Everything looks so bright and lovely when the sun finally decides to come back from it's holidays in the southern hemisphere.





But all the tourists or at least more locals turn up at my favourite haunt.  It's so empty and runnable when it's cold and miserable!

But you don't have to go very far to lose them all again. If you spot the poo bag in the picture, the dog walker left it there whilst she finished her walk and collected it on her way back.

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Station Parking, 1970s style.

I'm so busy at the moment, I still haven't caught my tail.

OH is no calmer, but he isn't making life easy for himself.  At the start of the week he called me quite early evening to say he was close to home, Rugby infact so he could have made it in time to eat with me, except his car was in Tamworth.  Another train to be caught and then a drive back home.  I really didn't bother to ask why he was at the wrong station, c'est la vie and all that...except he called later in the week to say he was on a train to Leicester which also was precisely where his car wasn't and once he had caught another train to where his car was he would then drive home.  In fairness he has probably travelled around 1500 miles on the train this week but it does help to remember what part of the country you left your car in dear.

I have been careful about my baby steps back into exercise.  I went out for a run on one of my old dark night routes.  I was checking the distance and time fairly regularly but was having those 'is that all I have done' moments.  I was sure it was more than a 3k run but hey-ho I decided I was ok to keep up a good pace as I wasn't going too far.  It was only after I got home I realised my phone was set to miles!  Still at least it shows I haven't lost my fitness levels too much and my couch to 5k took...well...one evening....whoops!

I took COG clothes shopping one evening after work as we have won a family photo shoot. I entered a competition at a craft fayre.  This 'free' shoot has of course cost us all in new outfits!  Oddly at the clothes shops I appear to have stepped back 35 years in time.  The New Look clothes designer clearly couldn't be bothered to do any work all summer, with feet up in front of the sport. At the last minute they grabbed the 1975 folder from the back of the cabinet and blew the dust off it.  Of course I know I can't actually stand in the shop and admit to having seen all this first time around, it's a bit of an age give away....although probably not quite as much as me walking around the shoes singing "That's neat, that's neat, I really love your tiger feet" and insisting that COG 'do the bump' Before y'all run off to Google, it was Kenny.

We managed to get all (but one) of the Rangers to turn up at Guides and run the Wide Games night.  Egg towers, flour, oil, custard, tomatoes, fish paste, paddling pool, ping pong balls, nerf guns, ice-cream...yep, they all had a ball!  I like mixed sectional events.  It provides an opportunity to give younger girls great role models, the Rangers did a fantastic job of it.  We've got some great girls right now, unfortunately we aren't getting the new younger ones through the door, they don't seem to want to leave Guides. Hopefully this will help convince the oldest Guides that should have long moved on, to finally make that step.

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Spotty Dotty No More

Those of you that have been a round a while will know that I drive an unusual car.

We've been a fairly visual part of the roads around here for 6 years. Everybody knows it's me coming, going or just driving badly. Everybody waves. When we go to new places adults look horrified and children point, smile and wave.  I wave back and they love it.

Well no more.  I spent an evening de-spotting my baby ready to move onto forecourts new.

She is gone and I have returned to a world of driving anonymity.

I wonder how long I'll be able to last!

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Perfect day and Pain

I pitched the tent in the evening, so the day started with them crawling out of the tent into lovely sunshine.

We went to my most favourite place and did what I like best, we walked, paddled, picnicked, walked some more, ice-creamed.  It was the most perfect day.

The deer were hanging around in groups under the trees all over the park, they reminded me of  kangeroos chillin'

We walked lots.

And when we got home I walked some more, with the dogs across the fields, still bare waiting to be planted.

The most wonderful day.

Until I realised why my heel was so sore.  How on earth am I going to deal with this whilst trying to run 7k.  Answers on a postcard please.

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Cycling Woes

The cyclists seem to be getting it in the neck this week. MPs could introduce a new offence of causing death by dangerous cycling.

Yes, the speeding cyclist hurtling through the traffic is dangerous, they suddenly cut across in front of you, jump lights and all the rest but a lot of it is down to the way the roads are designed in the first place.

Do you know how dangerous it is to turn left on a bike at the same time as a heavy goods vehicle?

Have a look at some of these:

How many times would you dismount before giving up on this one?!

Should the cyclist now go head on into traffic or into the pedestrians?

The intent of this one is beyond my simple thoughts!

I hope the cyclist enjoys a bumpy ride through the drain and then the speed hump camber in the inadequate width lane?! 

But, as always, the Americans come out on top.  There really isn't anything else to say!

All these pictures are from the Warrington Cycle Campaign facility of the month.  Something I have enjoyed (in the most macabre sense) for sometime now.

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Bubble Bath

 I put bubble bath into the bubble bath (spa).  Big mistake....

...huge mistake...

...she started to disappear in bubbles...

But what do you do when they won't wash down the sink....

Dump them in the shower!

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I picked it up by it's self service throat...

It had been a difficult day from the outset, I was over stretched, out of time and out of patience.

My EX-husband rang to tell me he was ill and would I mind fetching him a can of soup from the shops and take it round to him.  I will point out, I once rang him from a coach trip to the theatre to ask him to pop round to my house to make sure I had turned the oven off.  The street of kindness flows two ways, so I poddled to the supermarket.

A woman can't just buy a can of soup.  Things are on special, shiny lights flash and bargain signs tempt.  So I have a basket full of goodies I didn't need.  The supermarket had forgotten (again) to do the important stuff like employ staff so I went self service.

oh the humanity...

beep, no scan, beep, assistance required...
"there's no one here"
beep, no scan, beep, place item in bagging area, assistance required
"There's no bugger here, I said"
"BEEP, BAGGAGE AREA,BEEP"
"Oh for F.., just scan will you, oh for.., arrrrrrgh"
"BEEP, place item in..."
"SHUT UP"
"BEEP BEEP BEEP"
"I SAID SHUT UP"  and I gave it the electronic throttling it deserved

As it sanctimoniously thanked me for my custom I told to it to piss off...

...at which point I returned to the sane world and realised I was still in Guiders uniform and daughter was still stood at my side.

Well, if we were all perfect the world would be a boring place and the other shoppers would have nobody to tut and shake their heads at, I bet they went home feeling rather superior.  My usual public service achieved yet again!

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Hare Brained Idiot

Notes is asking in the I ♥ Me series this week What could you do today to make your life easier?

I took me a while to realise, well if it was dead obvious I'd have done it years ago, stop having hare brained schemes that end up in disaster.

Do you remember my garden wall fiasco with the most stupid decision ever taken followed by the council involvement?  Well, this time it's the bathroom.

It all started because a radiator stopped working, then another, then another. This led to many parts being changed, followed by the power flush followed by the boiler replacement. But that involves having all your carpets and floors up upstairs so they can feed a new gas pipe whilst I freeze my butt off for 2 days.

And if you're changing the boiler you may as well make it a combi and have your water cylinder taken out, right?!

Which just means that you need the entire bathroom refitting, right?        Well they ran out of time, they went home.  I waited in today, all day, but nobody came, and no date for when they come back. 

 It really is time for me to stop having these stress creating, bank account draining, stupid ideas and just accept that other people have things done in the house.  They discuss them with ease whilst give me a tour of their show home, whereas I simply have hassle and trauma with workmen and everybody will now give me the "didn't you know that" or "didn't you watch rogue traders last week" speech.

So how can I make my life easier today Notes?  Simply roll back the clock and put my old bathroom and broken radiator back because it was much easier than what I have right now.

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BOGOF (or how much washing powder is normal?!)

Continuing my how many is normal theme from Shoes and Bags,

today I cleared out my laundry cupboard.
This is precisely the reason why supermarkets have special offers, value packs, Buy One Get One Free, and 50% off....so idiots like me get mesmerised by the marketing, forget whats in the cupboard and buy more!

There are only 3 of us, it'll take me years to get through this lot.

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Folding Mum (and we're not talking washing!)

"Mum, it's time we got a new Hamster"
"No, well, errr, I like pets and all that but I'm enjoying running on a Friday rather than cleaning out a cage"
"I'm old enough now, I'll look after it myself."
"Hmmm, I never asked you to be responsible before, I've always committed before."
"I'll commit, I've got the time, and you can pay me to do it."
"So you're asking me to buy you a pet I don't want and then pay you to look after it"
"Yep"
"Nope"

Bugger, I folded again!

At least the cats get 'take out' tonight, saves them the effort of slaving away at a hot 'stalker'!!

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He'venin H'officer

I was driving through a nearby village after dark.  Each Victorian driveless terrace owns 2 range rovers (and a huge dog), so cars from both directions weave through the parked cars to get from one end of the road to the other.

One car was taking an age to come through.  It was quite frankly 'bumbling' along. This is not good when you have had a frustrating day and just want to get home and fast. As he came to pass me he edged through like he was driving a bus. I wound down my window and politely said: "You'd get a bloody tank through there".

He wound down he window and at that very moment I simultaneously noticed the fluorescent stripes, the uniform and the dead give away 'POLICE' across the car. He looked at me, I looked at him. Time stood still.

Only one way to go: I winked and said "He'venin H'off-i-cer"

I am so pleased that we live in a land where our bobbies are still trained to be 'people persons' and deal with things with the contempt common sense they deserve.  He gave me a 'watch it' look back and continued to drive (like a bumbling idiot) away.

Had I been in Australia I would still be being given infringement notices as he poured over my car for the 5th time checking the tyre tread.  I guess in America I would just be taking my cuffed hands off the bonnet and looking forward to meeting my new cell mates.
 
Simply for my amusement here is another Police car in a spot of bother:

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Shark!

This is very relevant to my current whereabouts and I find it amazing on many levels, the comments of the spectators are amazingly dumb but more special is the fact that they remain in the water.




Maybe I've been Australian'd but you generally don't hang around for sharks:

And this is very creepy

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C-c-crrrrrrazy Golf

Yesterday the frost hanging over the golf course seemed heavy.

Today it was madness, and yes there were still golfers out.

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Oh Thomas, you doubter

For those that doubted, HWMBO read the notices and cooked the ham.

Admittedly, this is him cutting the plastic off the ham after it had been in the oven for 2 hours, but I give him 10/10 for effort.

The iron was not discovered but then you can't have it all can you.

Having discovered the cooker yesterday afternoon, he proceeded to cook our evening meal too..I am seriously wondering what else to start labelling...suggestions on a postcard please.

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You Little Breeder

How hilarious is this?!  In my world very!

Considering I am so very happy, thank you for asking.  And I've never had it so good. I now find out that if I qualify for child benefit under the new rules, I'm about to rush out on a breeding orgy.

I quote : "We're going to have a system where the middle classes are discouraged from breeding because it's jolly expensive. But for those on benefits, there is every incentive. Well, that's not very sensible."

Hmmm,  for your information Sir, £80 is not the overriding factor when deciding on family planning for the educated middle classes. £900 a year is not going to tip that shall we/shan't we balance.  And for Shazza breathlessly conceiving Chels-eh behind the bus shelter as we speak, my guess is she's working out how to get Jeremy Kyle interested in her life, not whether £80 will increase her Primark spending power.

Wouldn't it be interesting to see some of these high class muppets actually come and live in the real world for a while or do they think that watching the first 3 minutes of Eastenders is keeping them in touch with the nation.

Monty Python sum it up here (kicking the beggar tickles me):


I'm off to hibernate until the revolution comes.  Actually I think I might have a go at the breeding frenzy...anyone coming!

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Selfish Selfish Woman

No not me (for a change!).  At the supermarket today, I watched a large people carrier with blacked out windows park up in the last mother and baby spot.  With a car that big I would have expected hoards to climb out.  Nope!  Just one 30(ish) year old woman.  She jumped out of her car, she looked lovely in a bright pink outfit and gorgeous shoes.  She moved swiftly away towards the trolleys (and me).

"Excuse me, Excuse me"  I chimed happily at her.
She turned and smiled at me.
"You seem to have forgotten your children."
Her face twitched for a second but still she smiled.
"Your children!  You've locked them in your car."
She laughed gayfully and walked on.

I wondered about the harassed mum that was about to pull into the car park with 3 tiddlers all vying for attention as she tried to squeeze the baby seat out of a small gap (as the last mum and baby had gone to selfish parker) and she tried to manoeuvre her brood across a busy car park. 

The car park has an area especially for big or 'special' cars. The parking spaces are as big as the mum and baby parking. The problem? You have to walk a bit further. Poor selfish parker women maybe her gorgeous shoes were pinching today!

I had no sense of guilt what so ever as a 'parked' my trolley against her drivers door. 

I had a hunt around the interweb and found this picture, go have a look at the hall of shame.  It's well worth it.

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Never Eat Shredded Wheat

 Look closely....

No closer......

Think I got the Friday afternoon model?!

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Proffessionel fotography

Sticking with last weeks Gallery theme, having shared HWMBO's rather good picture, I decided to show you my professionalism:   

The timer is set for.....bugger!

 





I'll reset the .....!



Quick light the ....!

 In?.....duck man, duck!



In?!......nope



That'll do Pig, that'll do!

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