aaaand collapse

>>  Tuesday, September 04, 2018

We'd had a busy few weeks of life. There'd been stuff to do, friends visiting, we'd been away for a few days which is always nice but tiring.  I'd had a hill walking day which always tires me physically and then I was back to work.

This was also the week of our  Guiding county camp, a big affair, well organised with a few hundred campers.

I'd had the forethought earlier in the year to turn down the opportunity to run the senior section sub-camp knowing that looking after Cog with her eating disorder had become my full-time job outside of work but I had said I would go each day after work to help out.

But when I said that I didn't know Cog would have been in intensive care, and my carer game had been driven up to level 11.  I also didn't realise how much watching someone you love go through this trauma would take out on me.

So I drove to work, worked a full day, drove a double distance to the campsite and did a few hours washing up followed by a 3 mile night hike.
I loved it, it is good to be in a field, it's good to be with other leaders.  I don't really enjoy leading Guides, I'm definitely more Ranger or Brownie but all the same it was nice.

Walking in the dark is fun, followed by the drive home and I was in bed just before midnight.

Day 2 was the same, up early off to work but the day was hard, there's a lot of stuff going off that is very stressful and it is mentally very tiring.  Straight from work to the campsite which was about an hours drive, 90 minutes washing up and then a 3 mile night hike.  (The idiot with the footpath rage was still playing the same game, which was a joy!)
A drive home and in bed just after midnight.
Day 3, another rubbish day at work, a 60 minute drive to the campsite, served salad to 300 people, cleaned and packed away tables, did an hour of washing up and realised that I wasn't feeling so great.  I sat down.  A leader there said "Not seen you in a long time, how have things been?"   and it was like time stopped, I thought about eating disorders, scarlet fever, intensive care, stress at work, difficulties with the new guiding programme. I searched and searched my brain for something nice, something positive to say and settled on "it's been a hard year" but the whole rush of the shit storm my life has been hit me hard.

I went for a short walk alone to look at the sunset, signed myself out of camp with security and walked past the 100s of girls and leaders singing at the camp fire.

I'll say that again...I walked away from the campfire.  That is just not me.

Work the next day was intense and I felt ill, I had a sore throat and raging headache that cold and flu tablets weren't touching.  I sent a message to camp to say I couldn't go.

But I sat up until 1 am trying to do some guiding admin related to the new programme.

Friday morning I realised I was completely exhausted and I had basically double booked my entire life.  Cog needed me for care, help with paper work she has to do herself and medically things aren't going so great either.  We'd had no shopping done for 2 weeks.  Even Cog had started to help with the laundry as she was running out of clothes! I hadn't exercised (my way, the way that calms me) in over a week.  I checked out of life and went for a run, I was slow and felt ill. I went shopping and did an hour or so of e-learning on the new Guiding programme.   I didn't go back to camp, no one contacted me to ask why so I guess they managed without me.

Saturday I woke up still feeling ill, I realised I haven't been taking my own medication properly whilst we were away, I definitely didn't take it on hill walking day,  and then with dashing around I'd skipped lots of doses.  So maybe my sore throat is linked to the neuralgia not 'proper illness' but all the same it was like being on the edge of a nervous breakdown and something had to give.  So I didn't go to camp again.

Sometimes the head is willing but the body is weak. I'm just too tired to take on more than I am currently managing and too selfish to give up other things in my life (that I need to help me cope). So extra-curricular Guiding will have to take a back burner, because just the day to day Guiding on top of the rest of my life seems too heavy to handle right now (and this is the summer break.)


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