Ups and Downs

>>  Monday, May 28, 2018

I don't mention it much but we are still a family held hostage by an eating disorder.

Cog has good days and bad, ups and downs and if anyone ever asks me about it I always just answer "oh, ups and downs".   Those on the outside can have no idea of the living hell it is for everyone involved, it's like a cancer without the tv ads and pink ribbons.  Those that have been there already get it so "ups and downs" is all I ever have to say.

You might remember that Cog was abandoned early on by her closest friend and I told her mother exactly how I felt about it.   Her younger daughter is still at my Ranger unit but I treat her the same as I treat the others, I find the only positive in that is that I remind myself it is a testimony to my character that I can treat her separately to the rest of her family's actions but I can not bring myself to get even close to forgiving her mother.  She said I was 'delusional' and 'irrational' when I told her how upset Cog was at not being included on her BFFs birthday party and added "you've said yourself Cog has a mental illness, so she's probably making it up".   It's been a while now and I'm still reeling from those words.

If the world was a fair place I would be allowed to face her in a boxing ring and show her exactly how her callous words made me feel and how much deeper she hurt Cog than she was already hurting.  But life isn't that good, karma is rarely instant and you have to walk the same streets as people you would rather not have to see in your life ever again.

A few months back I found myself sat next to her in the hairdressers and diligently ignored her attempts to speak to me.   I wouldn't have minded so much if there was an apology at the start of it but nothing.  I can't tell her how much it has affected Cog, she doesn't want them knowing her business now, there is no point in saying how I feel, I did that before and it was simply declared 'irrational' so I have decided the best stance is to just blank her.  Luckily for me my hairdresser knows what happened, she knows Cog, she knows how ill she has been and is and beautifully steered me to another area of the salon and we got on with getting on.

But recently, at a Ranger event the mother decided to come into the waiting area where I was sat alone, waiting for the Rangers to finish what I had taken them to.  She started to talk to me.  Now this was even more awkward as I am in uniform and have to be professional, I can't allow myself to get upset or emotional when in charge of other girls so I flattened my emotions completely and said "I don't want to talk to you" I said it calmly and flatly.  And yet again she tries to talk to me, she just has no concept of what she and Cogs ex-bff did wrong.  3 times I had to say "I don't want to talk to you" before she finally got it, and stopped.    I buried my head in my phone and texted a wise owl who I knew would understand the absolute need for me to stay calm and clear headed and listen to me text-vent!

15 minutes later the Rangers were out and excited and loud and happy.  They are so vibrant it is easy to take their mood on and be happy with them. Mother took her daughter and  the rest of us left the building in a rabble.  I walked them to where they were being picked up, waved them away and completely dissolved in tears.  The stress just hit me hard I think.  It had been a bad week with Cog anyway (ups and downs.)

I felt detached walking through the city at night crying, people walked past me, no one even seemed to look my way or look concerned.  I could have been completely invisible.  That made it worse, walking through a world where everyone thinks you are irrational, surely then I must be irrational, a waste of life...and then a hand caught me and said "are you ok?"   A homeless guy, wrapped in a thin silver blanket looked at me concerned.  What to say?  Suddenly it all felt a bit lame. What to Say? "oh I had to sit next to someone I don't like very much for a while"  It's not really sounding very 'heavy' even to me and I know why I'm upset!   I settled for "it's been a bit of a bad day" and thanked him for asking.  He was a nice guy, had issues with addiction, mental health is a real shitter.  It takes people to their knees.  I gave him the money he said he needed for a room for the night,  not much but almost exactly what I had in my purse, I asked him to get a room with it and not inject it and then immediately felt guilty, it's not my business to tell people how to manage their daemons, and after all he was at that point much less irrational than me!!  We parted with a thank you on both sides for helping each other.

So only a few days later and I'm about to leave home for the hairdressers when I get a call "can you come in a bit late, she's here, the woman" - bless my hairdresser's socks - "we are rushing her through but you might want to hang on another 15 minutes"  She gets it.  I couldn't thank her enough.  

I am left feeling that this area isn't big enough for the both of us, I wonder how I can go for so long without bumping into people I would happily see over and over but the people you would just rather not are the proverbial bad pennies.  It's a real shitter.


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