Anger, frustration, despair

>>  Friday, October 21, 2016

I'm struggling. I just can't shake this out of my head. I don't think I've ever been good at getting over things quickly. But this is driving me nuts.

On the day visit to high school when Cog was 11 she met a girl and they immediately hit it off. From that day on they were constantly together talking (too much), giggling (getting told off by teachers for it), on FaceTime in the evenings, going to see bands together. So much. They moved on from high school after 3 years to another school to do GCSEs and they were again in the same class and the friendship continued. After GCSEs they moved schools again and after 5 years they were no longer in the same form.

Cog was already in the throes of anorexia and struggling to socialise across lunch periods and starting to isolate herself.

Her best friend reacted to this by joining other girls and making the divide wider.

I am aware that across the years BFF has said some cruel things to Cog. She laughed at her clothes, told her she wasn't cool enough. She often commented on her own size and 'how fat' she was (she is very thin) and compared herself as fat to Cog when Cog was already larger.


But aren't there always some 'awkward' things said in honest friendships?

But then BFFs birthday meal happened. Cog was included in a whatsapp conversation giving details of the meal. Cog had no internet access at the time. BFF did not call her, did not mention it to her in the school corridor. Cog saw the 'I love these guys at my birthday meal' photos on Facebook. That's how she found out. She was distraught. I was angry.

I called BFF's mum and went mad. She said Cog was invited, if she chose not to go that was her problem. Seriously?! They didn't even query the numbers on booking and realising Cog was not in those numbers, ring us. She said Cog had a mental illness and she was making all this up. I couldn't have been angrier.

Cog had 2 'hi how are you' messages afterwards but no acknowledgement of what happened, no apology.

Cog is still hurt and upset in equal measure.  I am angry but also struggling with how my stomach turns and my heart aches when I still recall Cogs own broken heart and sobs at first sight of the photo. And each time something in the house pops up that ex-BFF has a link to, it is a raw feeling again.

BFF was one of my Rangers. I had a polite text message from her mum just before the start of term saying she would not be coming back as she now has a job. But her sister has now joined Rangers, so I can't avoid this family completely. Cog will not go to Rangers because she wants to avoid them.

Everyday I get a rush of the need to pick up the phone and 'and another thing' at them. And this flops around in the emotional mix with the 'they aren't worth it' feelings. But 6 years. 6 years of BFF and it is gone so easily.

Cog will not have been without fault this past few years. She will have been hard work. If she had cancer her friends would have flocked around her to support her and be with her. No one feels the same about anorexia. It's treated like a contagion with contempt. Social isolation is a common thread amongst sufferers.

I am bitter about her ex-BFF and I am very bitter about her family's response to it. People we shared celebrations with, meals with. The end of my friendship with them does not really bother me, HWMBO is even less bothered but Cog has so many nights of tears and acknowledges that she is lonely without her old BFF to chat away with.

I tell her friendships come and go, it is life but the abruptness with the way this ended (a 'hidden' birthday party followed by a Facebook block for Cog by BFF when I questioned her mum about the photos) seems to me to carry a similar emotional turmoil to a bereavement or divorce.   The feeling of despair that I have that I can't do anything to help her feel better about this one, and my sheer anger that it is adding to her already overflowing weight of emotional stress is getting me down.

There was a limited amount of sun still shining in what is a rather difficult time at the moment.  And this currently seems to have seen it set.


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