My Rebecca

>>  Thursday, February 16, 2012

I've had too much time to think recently.  Too tired to do anything constructive or even read anything usefully absorbing.  When I have time like this I get sucked into a vortex of low self esteem.

It's a shroud that only allows me to see happiness of others, the education that everybody else achieved, the soul mate true love of others that leaves them satisfied.

Don't get me wrong, I love HWMBO truly, absolute, eternal.  I've just never quite grasp the concept that he could ever feel that way about me.  Whenever I have time to allow my mind to wander it creeps into the corners where I brush the 'not good enough'.  I have a picture of a Rebecca that won't ever quite leave.

“I had build up false pictures in my mind and sat before them. I had never had the courage to demand the truth.”

I have always felt like I was a comfortable choice, not the clever, quick, witty and beautiful Rebecca.

I've yet to find the thorn,  the 2nd Mrs DeWinter found out that Rebecca wasn't really as wonderful as she seemed, yet she continued to haunt her.  My Rebecca is my own inability to believe in myself.  I have a good job, a fine family, and sometimes I'm healthy(!) but for everything - I've still not found my own rock of self belief.

This leaves me wondering how I can ever help my own daughter to find inner strength and self confidence.  Sometimes I see in her things I have never seen in myself and it relieves me that she has such a different nature to me.

As I say, I've had too much time on my hands recently to think too much. I'm looking forward to being a little better so can at least go stride a field, if not climb a tower.

“Boredom is a pleasing antidote for fear”

Do you know I wrote all this feeling very sorry for myself and wondering how the hell I can motivate any child in Guiding to achieve anything and then I realised, of course I can...because that's precisely what Guiding does for me.  I remembered this video, and realised I just need a couple of weeks of rest, a few more 5 minute chocolate mug cakes and a couple of brownie meetings and my natural balance will be restored.


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