Enough

I'm finding my work really hard right now.  I'm having to do a lot of things I'm not trained to do at short notice with unforgiving management.  This week got progressively harder with a weekend implementation looming of something I wasn't 100% confident with on a mission critical system.  Stress is my work life.

By the time I left on Friday I was having palpitations and kept bursting into tears on my drive home.  I am sorry to say that at one point I frightened myself by considering death as a way out of not having to work the weekend.  Neither COG or HWMBO seemed to matter, nothing mattered except how the hell to get through this weekend with a system and my dignity intact.

The only thing that kept me here was a little voice on my shoulder saying "this too shall pass".  I so desperately wanted to be here, Sunday evening with a running service.

I have had no sleep, a pounding chest, I've been sick, unable to eat...when is it time to shout STOP. 

I tried to tell HWMBO how dreadful I felt, how even suicide is an option.  I'm not sure he completely heard me, it's been an important weekend for him in the footy world...so I soldiered on. 

Like a robot I worked Saturday evening, lay awake most of the night and got up at 5:30am on Sunday to start again.  With the first system crash at 7:30 my hands were shaking.

Only a few years back I was responsible for a service significantly more important than this one, it transacted billions of pounds nightly.  I was never this stressed about them.  The difference : supportive management and an interested ear at home.  Now I'm very much on my own in all things.

So here I am Sunday evening, it's over, but I'm still only just coming down.  The worst thing that could of happened is that it all failed horrendously, it would have been the hardest work ever to put it back together, I could have tendered my resignation, but a job shouldn't feel this stressful should it, not when it's something I actually like doing.

Maybe I'm too old a dog now to learn new tricks, maybe the working environment I'm in stinks, maybe HWMBO just doesn't care the way he used to.

Ack, I'm just moaning...this too shall pass.