I smiled and thought 'I'm good at hitting stuff really hard'

From around the age 14-17 I had a very good friend.  We were probably 'best friends' but she had other 'best friends' and I had other 'best friends' so we weren't dependent on each other.  But it's fair to say we spent a lot of time together. A lot.

She was pretty and self-assured. She got the 'best' boys, I was the friend that the best boy's friends got.  Did that make sense?  I did not have 'the allure'!  She did.  She was graceful and seemed to know where she was going in life.

We stopped being friends at some point. I do remember us having a bit of a fall out over something and nothing but not enough to  kill a friendship.  I just think I left school and she didn't and our lives took different paths.  About 20 years ago I remember getting a letter from her  that seemed to have been prompted by me but I don't really remember the circumstances of that either and whilst she said it would be nice to meet we still didn't.  Probably because that would have taken effort on my part and I am a lazy friend.

But at the start of this year I was thinking about Morrissey and about when I went to see the Smiths live.  Fantastic concert in a fairly small venue and I was at the stage edge and touched Morrissey's legs and daffodils!  But what I couldn't remember (and still can't) is who I went with or how I got the tickets.  In those days you had to go to the box office and queue for miles in the cold and wet to go to a sell out gig.  I know I didn't do that.  So I made a  determined effort to find my old friend and ask her because I know her father got tickets for Depeche Mode (twice) and Duran Duran for us.

I found her on the book of face and messaged her.  Now it seems her memory is worse than mine, she doesn't know if she went or not and struggled to even remember Depeche Mode despite me reminding her that her dad drove us home from Birmingham!  But she did want to meet up. And so we did.

She lives very close to me, and one of her sons did work experience with Cog, it's a small world isn't it.

Anyhoo, this friend is still beautiful, graceful, self-assured and whilst she is still lovely to talk to and such a nice person, sitting in front of her I was feeling 15 years old:  rather plump and spotty, lacking in finesse and well, a bit second rate really.

We were talking about yoga and body balance and her very sensible long-term plans and goals in terms of physical health.  Sounds deeper than it was; we were just discussing old age aches and pains really and how best to manage them now and in the future.  I think body balance would be great for me but I know I would be an uncoordinated elephant trying to hide in the corner of the room.  She was talking about the beautiful music and I was groaning inside knowing my uncouth tastes would hate it.

And I felt stupid and a bumbling mess and I hadn't even actually done it yet, I was only thinking about the prospect and I realised this is how I used to feel when I was with her.

And then I had an epiphany...sat eating a big fat deep, covered in sugar mince pie whilst she ate a healthy wrap and sipped black coffee...I had the best damn thought I have ever had...

"I'm REALLY REALLY GOOD at running through muddy puddles and hitting stuff really hard whilst listening to tubthumping music. It's ok that I am who I am (and that I would always rather eat 2 puddings than a main course.)"

And with that I was content with myself.